Emergence
I guess this week has been a time to do a lot of reflecting. And that, of course, applies to my humble little blog as well. Last time, I followed up on an old movie I watched. This time I'm touching base on some real tough feelings that I've confided in this little space.
For the longest time, I've felt like I've been stuck in a "desert place" of my faith. I'm not saying I lost it or had any crisis. Faith grows stronger the more it gets tested. But I started out Fall term with so much ambition and spirit in my pursuits. I felt excited about the future and the events that lay ahead. I suppose a large part of that had to do with my joining the BCM Leadership Team. The chance to be a part of a group of servant leaders for Christ, a force that nurtures and stimulates the love of Jesus in ourselves and others empowered me. I genuinely love each member of the team. They are my brothers and sisters in the Lord. I felt so humbled to be serving next to them.
Events like the Freshman get-togethers, Katartidzo, and the Pittsburgh mission trip only fed my passion and gave me an even greater feel for the Holy Spirit's presence. I grew closer to new people, learned new names and new faces, forged closer relationships with those I already knew, and felt myself challenged in different, exciting ways. I felt like I was changing on the inside. God was making a new work out of me. Into what, I have no earthly idea.
But somehow, as time went on, into late October and up, my fire began to burn out. I wasn't unaware of this. It was more obvious to me than to those closest to me, although I'm sure they noticed something wasn't quite right. I felt myself slipping back into my cold, melancholy persona that I developed in middle school, building up walls around my feelings again, turning off my emotions, losing myself in studies. And I felt powerless to do anything.
I didn't talk a lot during those weeks. I hung out much less with my friends at lunch, around the dorms, and even TNT. I plunged into daily prayer and quiet time harder than ever. Time after time, I'd cry out to God to show me the light at the end of my tunnel. It wasn't that I lost myself completely in the desert place. Truth be told, I think we all need to experience desert places in our spiritual journey from time to time. Periods in which you feel as if your passion is dying out, and all you can do is cry out to God, lean on Him just to sustain what you've got left. Feelings are finite. No matter how high they get, you can't stay at that level all the time, always on fire with spirit. Eventually, things will bring you down and erode your passion to the point where your foundation in Christ is all that keeps you standing firm. Helps you get out of bed every day. I didn't tell anyone so, but that's where I was.
I can't point to any specific cause for why I've felt this way. It's just one of those dry periods. I haven't been able to help it. I know God is still there and that He loves me, but I suppose sometimes it's harder to find Him. Or He hides His presence from us. I don't claim to understand why, but I accept it as one of those things about Him that is way beyond my meager understanding. Faith isn't supposed to be understood, be rational or even make sense. At least not by the world's standards. But by God's standard, sometimes that faith is all the strength that I have. It sustains me, keeps me going, gives me something to believe in when all my other wells run dry. Praise be to God.
In the past week or so, I feel that I've emerged from my desert place somewhat. For the first time in a long while, I've laughed again, hung out with people regularly, even sang with my full voice at TNT the other Tuesday night. I had tried to sing a couple times before, but midway into it, this awful feeling would come over me. That I was not supposed to be up there, that I was being a phony. And I'd just step away from the microphone and walk away to the side wall and just bury my face in my hands, praying silently to myself. But I managed to sing this week. So I guess the point is, I don't know why I felt dry for so long, and then suddenly God erupted a spring in my heart. You just have to keep seeking God and never stop. It's lots harder when He seems so far away, but He'll never leave us. It's just harder to find Him sometimes. Makes me look all the more to Heaven; being with God forever.
Song of the Day: 4HIM - "Ready to Fly"
Verse of the Day: "Discover for yourself that the Lord is kind. Come to Him for protection and you will be glad." - Psalm 34:8
For the longest time, I've felt like I've been stuck in a "desert place" of my faith. I'm not saying I lost it or had any crisis. Faith grows stronger the more it gets tested. But I started out Fall term with so much ambition and spirit in my pursuits. I felt excited about the future and the events that lay ahead. I suppose a large part of that had to do with my joining the BCM Leadership Team. The chance to be a part of a group of servant leaders for Christ, a force that nurtures and stimulates the love of Jesus in ourselves and others empowered me. I genuinely love each member of the team. They are my brothers and sisters in the Lord. I felt so humbled to be serving next to them.
Events like the Freshman get-togethers, Katartidzo, and the Pittsburgh mission trip only fed my passion and gave me an even greater feel for the Holy Spirit's presence. I grew closer to new people, learned new names and new faces, forged closer relationships with those I already knew, and felt myself challenged in different, exciting ways. I felt like I was changing on the inside. God was making a new work out of me. Into what, I have no earthly idea.
But somehow, as time went on, into late October and up, my fire began to burn out. I wasn't unaware of this. It was more obvious to me than to those closest to me, although I'm sure they noticed something wasn't quite right. I felt myself slipping back into my cold, melancholy persona that I developed in middle school, building up walls around my feelings again, turning off my emotions, losing myself in studies. And I felt powerless to do anything.
I didn't talk a lot during those weeks. I hung out much less with my friends at lunch, around the dorms, and even TNT. I plunged into daily prayer and quiet time harder than ever. Time after time, I'd cry out to God to show me the light at the end of my tunnel. It wasn't that I lost myself completely in the desert place. Truth be told, I think we all need to experience desert places in our spiritual journey from time to time. Periods in which you feel as if your passion is dying out, and all you can do is cry out to God, lean on Him just to sustain what you've got left. Feelings are finite. No matter how high they get, you can't stay at that level all the time, always on fire with spirit. Eventually, things will bring you down and erode your passion to the point where your foundation in Christ is all that keeps you standing firm. Helps you get out of bed every day. I didn't tell anyone so, but that's where I was.
I can't point to any specific cause for why I've felt this way. It's just one of those dry periods. I haven't been able to help it. I know God is still there and that He loves me, but I suppose sometimes it's harder to find Him. Or He hides His presence from us. I don't claim to understand why, but I accept it as one of those things about Him that is way beyond my meager understanding. Faith isn't supposed to be understood, be rational or even make sense. At least not by the world's standards. But by God's standard, sometimes that faith is all the strength that I have. It sustains me, keeps me going, gives me something to believe in when all my other wells run dry. Praise be to God.
In the past week or so, I feel that I've emerged from my desert place somewhat. For the first time in a long while, I've laughed again, hung out with people regularly, even sang with my full voice at TNT the other Tuesday night. I had tried to sing a couple times before, but midway into it, this awful feeling would come over me. That I was not supposed to be up there, that I was being a phony. And I'd just step away from the microphone and walk away to the side wall and just bury my face in my hands, praying silently to myself. But I managed to sing this week. So I guess the point is, I don't know why I felt dry for so long, and then suddenly God erupted a spring in my heart. You just have to keep seeking God and never stop. It's lots harder when He seems so far away, but He'll never leave us. It's just harder to find Him sometimes. Makes me look all the more to Heaven; being with God forever.
Song of the Day: 4HIM - "Ready to Fly"
Verse of the Day: "Discover for yourself that the Lord is kind. Come to Him for protection and you will be glad." - Psalm 34:8
posted by david @ 10:34 PM
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