Dealing With Loneliness (part 2)

Solitude
a poem by Jim Cotter

Aloneness is neutral.
To be alone is simply to be at a distance
in bathroom or crowded cafe.
Loneliness is negative.
To be lonely is to dislike being alone,
even to be cramped and embittered by it.
But to be alone or to live alone
is not necessarily something to dread.
For solitude is positive.
To be solitary is not to exclude or be excluded.
It is to be in touch with the springs of your own creativity;
it is to be aware
that we can never be separate from anyone;
it is to know at the deepest level
what it is to love and be loved.

I was fascinated by this poem when I first came across it. It really puts into perspective the difference between loneliness and "aloneness," which was a major theme in the first part of this series. Being alone doesn't mean that you are lonely; most often, it's the opposite. Solitude is a precious thing that I have come to treasure. I try to do it as much as I can (but not too much; you know what they say about too much of a good thing). It really does help me recharge my batteries, so to speak. And so often, I can feel closer to God, My Savior, when it's one-on-one. No distractions, no obstacles, nothing but the Holy Spirit talking to me as I remain quiet and still. I guess you can say "aloneness" prepares me for togetherness. When I need God's help to talk to others, He'll give me the words to say just like He did for Moses with Pharaoh. "Now go. I will help you speak and will teach you what to say" (Exodus 4:12).

So now that we now what loneliness is, and what it isn't, how can it be harmful to us? Besides deriving us of any real joy in the time we spend with other people, this condition can potentially lead to progressively worse actions and behavior if it's left unchecked. The following items originally came from http://www.intouch.org and they are a sobering picture of the devastating impact that loneliness can have on our lives:

1. Loneliness can lead to immoral relationships. In trying to deal with our condition, we may be tempted to seek intimacy with someone. When we can't stand to be alone, we become so desperate for another's touch that our principles and values relating to it can become warped. But this pleasure is all too fleeting; it won't last. It can push the pain away temporarily, but once the thrill is over, the deep-rooted problem is still there. And more often than not, it's worse than ever with the loss of that thrill. And that will cause some people to try and recapture that pleasure of intimacy again and again until they lose themselves in the cycle. But it doesn't bring fulfilling joy, and it doesn't help solve the real problem. You can only push it down so far before it eventually bubbles to the surface. Relationships and intimacy are not inherently wrong. But if our motives are not pure, they could prove disastrous.


2. Loneliness can impact our finances. Again, we might try to attack our malady from another wrong angle, in this case by purchasing certain items that we don't necessarily need on a whim or fancy. It's yet another behavior that can become addictive because of the temporary thrill that it provides. But all it really does is create a dent in our wallets and leave us in financial debt. And that compounds our predicament, because now we're lonely and maxed out. Trying to lose ourselves in behavior that doesn't directly address our deeper-seated problem, again, usually creates an even bigger set of problems, and any pleasure that we get from them will be very short-lived. I can quickly recall a recent new episode of The Suite Life of Zack and Cody that touches on this precise point. One of the characters, London, had a fancy for shopping and spending that bordered on insane. However, it got to the point where she finally had to admit that her drive to shop 'till she dropped (pardon the pun) was her way of avoiding the absence of her father. She felt lonely without him, but instead of admitting it to herself, she sought an escape through her plethora of credit cards. How many of us are the same way? How are we hiding the pain?

3. Loneliness can sabatoge our self-esteem. Many experts say that this is the greatest danger of loneliness, and I agree. It's also tougher to resolve than immoral relationships or monetary debt. When we're lonely, what is the thought that keeps dominating our conduct? Nobody cares about me; I don't matter to anyone; I'm not worth anything to anybody; if I were to go to bed tonight and be dead the next morning, not one person on Earth would be sorry or even notice. When we are deep in loneliness, we lose sight of how we are to regard ourselves by the Bible's perspective. It gets so bad that we start to think, "God couldn't possibly love me or care about me; I'm so worthless. I have zero value. How could I matter to Him?" This isn't humility. It is a flat-out degradation of God's work. Nothing God created is without value or a purpose, least of all us. Think about how that outlook impacts our witness. How can we express to others what the love of Christ is, and how it transforms hearts and minds if we ourselves are not living examples of it? How can we speak about freedom in Jesus if we ourselves remain in bondage? Paul tells us in Galatians 5:1 to, "stand firm, and to not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." God is not willing that we should be enslaved to anything save for His purpose, but that "in all things, we should be more than conquerors" (Romans 8:37). And one of the first things we must conquer is our own nature.

4. Loneliness can produce physical problems, and even lead to suicide. Our bodies and our emotions are closely linked. What we do tends to reflect how we feel, and that includes the way we treat ourselves. When we become so lost in loneliness to the point where we truly don't think we can spend one more waking minute in this world, suicide becomes a viable option. We might take different steps to get there, in the form of self-mutilation, binge drinking, or drug overdose, but if it gets bad enough, we are willing to take our own life. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, a few of the top risk factors associated with suicide are depression, feelings of hopelessness, and isolation, being (or feeling) cut off from other people. Understand just how far we have to sink in order to reach a point where suicide goes from a horrifying and ghastly concept to an idea that is worth considering. That degree of despair is very, very deep-seated. It wrenches my heart just thinking about it. That a person would willingly commit suicide out of an intense loneliness and isolation, believing no one cares for them or loves them or would mourn them if they died - it cuts me so deeply. Enough that I would almost want to grab the knife and take the stab meant for them. Just to prove it's not true. God cares. God loves. God grieves.

I'll write more on this last point tomorrow. Have a blessed day.

Song of the Day: ZOEgirl - "Scream"

Verse of the Day: "My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish." - Psalm 25:15-17