Dealing With Loneliness (part 1)

I think it's very interesting how this appears to be a subject that lots of my friends want to talk about. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Loneliness is a condition that we all experience at some time or another. It comes in varying levels; some are pretty bad, others not so much. But we all feel it, and we want to understand it and what it means. I've definitely had my share of lonely periods; my recent desert place is still fresh. It's very difficult to get out from. But my family group broached the subject again just yesterday, and my Dad spoke on it at TNT last year. It made me start thinking. How is loneliness defined? Is there a difference between loneliness and "aloneness?" When is loneliness a bad thing, or when does it become harmful to us? These are some of the questions I want to tackle with this three-part series. It's helpful for me to lay it all out like this. I hope it's helpful to anyone who reads it.

So what is loneliness? Frankly, I'm not sure it can be tied to any single, universal definition. Like I said, we all experience it in different ways. But we can describe what it's like. The following statements are taken from the Discussion Manual for Student Relationships:

- Loneliness is having your closest friend miles away with no one else to share your pain or your joy.
- Loneliness is missing a few days at school or work, and no one notices.
- Loneliness is the dread of going to the cafeteria and thinking there will be no one to sit with while you eat.
- Loneliness is that deep, hollow feeling that says, "My opinions are not important to anyone."
- Loneliness is that disturbing feeling that no one wants to talk to you.
- Loneliness is wondering which of your 'friends' are true friends and which are just trying to use you.
- Loneliness is that gnawing feeling that few, if any people, really care about you.
- Loneliness is having no one notice or pay attention to you, acting as if you were not there.
- Loneliness is thinking that everyone seems to be ignoring you or avoiding you.
- Loneliness is seeing yourself as "Mr./Miss Unpopular."
- Loneliness is wondering why so few seem to care about your real needs and those things which are of greatest concern to you.
- Loneliness is when others fail to give you what you feel you deserve, such as praise, recognition, and gratitude.

Do any of these sound familiar? I can say from my own experience that I can identify with at least eight of these statements about loneliness. I'm just like everyone else. I want to believe and know that I'm important to people. I want to know that I'm loved. I crave attention, acknowledgment, and recognition no matter how many times I might pretend otherwise. Is it wrong to want these things? Absolutely not. God created us in such a way that we would desire more and more of His love, and take pleasure in the warmth and security of our loved ones. He is not willing that we should deny our thirst for acceptance. It's part of our nature. I can't think of one rational and healthy person, not even me during my middle school outcast phase, who would deliberately, consciously, and voluntarily reject the companionship of others. We were created for comradeship, not for a lifetime of isolation. Never is that more clearly stated than all the way back at the beginning in Genesis 2:18. "The Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."

So now we know that none of us would choose loneliness out of our own free will. What else do we need to be aware of? What about loneliness and "aloneness?" Does it mean the same thing to say that a person is alone and lonely? I don't think so. I'm of a mind that believes aloneness is a positive thing. We need to be alone sometimes. It doesn't mean that we're lonely. We need that solitude in the presence of God to let the Holy Spirit refresh us in a way that only He can. It's not wrong to be surrounded by people most of the time, but we should never forget the importance that the Bible puts on these periods of solitude. They reenergize us and give us renewed strength. We might often refer to those periods as our "quiet time" with God. Whatever we call it, aloneness with God is a vital and necessary part of our relationship with Jesus Christ. It's when we plunge even deeper into the Word, the truth, listening intensely for the soothing, mighty, and revitalizing sound of the Holy Spirit's voice in our hearts.

Look at how many times during His earthly ministry that Jesus took time to be alone. Matthew 14:13 shows how Jesus responded upon hearing the news of John the Baptist's death. "When Jesus heard what had happened, He withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place." No doubt this news troubled Him a great deal; how often do we forget that our Lord and Savior who can do so many great works was also a man, an emotional being? He could feel sadness and heartache just like us. Matthew 14:23 then says Jesus "went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone." Even Jesus, the Son of God, needed that special time alone with His Father (even though at the same time, He is God in the flesh). And these periods are sandwiched around two of his most noted miracles recorded in the Bible: the feeding of five-thousand people and the walk on the water.

So there's nothing inherently wrong with being physically alone. It's when we have the condition of loneliness that harmful things result. And more often than not, it's not a physical loneliness. I know as well as anyone that we can be lonely right in the middle of a crowd or activity, surrounded by laughter and joy, but we're not experiencing it. We're there in the physical sense, but our minds, our hearts, and our souls, those intangibles that people can't see on the outside are in bondage to loneliness. Sometimes hearing other people around us laughing and enjoying life grates on our nerves, to the point that we can't stand to be around them. Yet at the same time, we can't stand to be alone. It hurts so much! How many times has that harrowing disease of loneliness driven us to tears? I know I've shed plenty over it. We feel like we're trapped, that nobody loves us, nobody cares about us, and that's the way that it's always going to be. We stop trying to live life to the fullest and content ourselves with just getting by, going through the motions. We don't give an activity or assignment our best effort anymore because we just don't seem to care. And when it's really bad, even precious time spent with family and friends just makes it feel worse. This is when loneliness becomes a disease, and it's not an easy one to treat. And it leads toward sinful behavior against God.

Song of the Day: Joy Williams - "We"

Verse of the Day: "So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs." - Matthew 10:26-27