Desert Places

Robert Frost wrote this poem. These lines particularly stick out:

The woods around it have it--it is theirs.
All animals are smothered in their lairs.
I am too absent-spirited to count;
The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is that loneliness
Will be more lonely ere it will be less--
A blanker whiteness of benighted snow
With no expression, nothing to express.

I think I can really relate to the poet in this work. Over the past few weeks, I've kind of been stuck in my own "desert place." Lately, I've fallen back into my old melancholy moods, haven't spoken as much to people, and felt really low and drained spiritually. I still do my quiet time and prayer every morning, and continue to attend TNT, L-Team, and family group every week, but I haven't felt like my heart was really in it. I can feel it most clearly when I sing. For reasons I still haven't completely figured out myself, there just hasn't been any real fire or passion in my voice at all. I knew it last night, and about halfway through the songs, I just walked away from the microphone, sat down off to the side of the Watkins Room, and buried my face in silent prayer. I had no business being up there trying to lead worship when my heart wasn't in it. I felt like the world's biggest phony.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm in a desert place spiritually. It's not that I'm having a crisis of faith. If anything, my faith is stronger than ever because of this. I've learned to depend on God in every aspect of my life, but most importantly, to be mindful of His will in good times and bad. Sometimes God teaches us the biggest life lessons during our toughest periods. When our backs are up against the wall and we have nowhere else to turn. That's when God astounds us all over again with His glory and steadfast love. My faith will never be perfect. Without a doubt, I'll continue to have my spiritual highs and lows, but God's love is steady like a rock all the way through.

My dear friend Anna said something at family group the other night that struck me as deeply profound. She said that we can try everything to shake off these "funks" we get into. Going to bed earlier. Eating right. Having talks with people you trust. Prayer. But in some cases, we just come to a point where we run out of ideas. There are times in which we have to come to grips with the fact that for whatever reason, God has let us fall into a chasm and we're not going to climb out of it immediately. We have to struggle. We have to squirm and claw and fight. But that's really not a sign of lacking faith. I don't believe for a second that I'm facing this alone. If I did, then I would've given up the fight a long time ago. God still lives and works in me; He's running my race right next to me. He's already set the steps for my journey, and He knows exactly where they lead, and what I'll face in my travels. But He never said it was going to be easy. Sometimes God conceals His presence from us (but never leaves us completely alone), testing our faith to see how strong we really are in Him. We grow stronger in our struggles. They are a sign that we're earnestly seeking God. Contending for the faith in our own inner turmoils.

I don't know how long I'll be in this desert place. It's not as dark and blank as it was, but I know I haven't fully emerged from it yet. But God has me there for a reason. I'll just have to wait and pray to see what that reason is.

Song of the Day: Joy Williams - "We"

Verse of the Day: "The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." - Psalm 18:2