No More Meds

This morning was...unusual. I woke up feeling a little groggy, more bone-weary than normal. I chalked it up to the Tylenol medicine I took the previous evening for my cold I picked up over the weekend. Yes, I know. It was only a matter of time before I succumbed to the first of many ailments courtesy of a reinvigorated Old Man Winter.

Thinking nothing of it I downed a quick breakfast and a couple of DayQuil gell caps. That proved to be a huge mistake. No sooner do I complete the short, 10-minute drive to Mauldin High than I start to feel really woozy. Like you can't get your bearings because your body feels so light, like you're swimming through air. Then I began to pale. What's happening, I wonder. Is this my fainting spell returning? I don't think I could deal with that right now. So I tried to shake it off and go on preparing for student-teaching as usual. But the feeling wouldn't quit. If anything, it got worse.

By 8:00, I'm worried. What if I collapsed in front of my students? What if I became sick? What if my performance gets compromised? So I took my mentor teacher aside in the hallway and told her what was happening. She is an amazingly sympathetic woman, and she suggested that I go home and rest if I didn't feel well. I kept apologizing again and again because truth be told, I felt like a heel. On top of feeling swimmy. I hated dumping the class day in her lap with fifteen minutes until the tardy bell. But I didn't have too much of a choice. Fainting's not pleasant when you're alone.

I decided to sit in the health room through first period so I could grab my supplies during second period when the room would be empty. By then, I've pretty much pegged the problem. A bad reaction to the DayQuil. It escapes me why it happened today of all days. But I knew that had to be it. My hands started shaking in the health room, but I wasn't cold. They took my pulse and blood pressure. Nothing alarming, however. So I grabbed my things and headed home to rest.

The moral of this story? No more meds. I'm swearing them off as of now. Unless it's a matter of life and death, I'll let my ailments run their course from hete on out.

Head Above Water

Imagine if you're a kid, and you're just learning to swim. You haven't yet mastered the complicated strokes and form that come with age and practice. When you're just a child, there is only one objective. Keep your head above the water. That's how you learn to dog-paddle. And make those little circle waves with your hands. It prevents you from going under. Which isn't very pleasant, as you'll either get a bad case of chlorine up your nose, or...well, let's not go further. The idea is to stay afloat.

This is pretty much what I've been doing in the week since I posted last. I have now taught six full days of Honors English at Mauldin High. In that time, I have:

- graded stacks and stacks of assignments
- listened to lame excuses for late work
- fought tooth and nail to keep students engaged
- re-instituted "read-alouds" in class
- secured LCD projectors at the last possible moment
- been interrupted by students, administrators, and Spirit Week announcements
- attended a rather gloomy department meeting
- held a conference with a student who has a bone to pick with the entire public school system
- heard conflicting ADD/problem-child stories from parents
- considered quitting

I hope my last comment doesn't surprise you. I promise, if you and I changed roles, you'd think about handing in your pointer too. Certainly it would cross your mind. When your goal in life is to be a teacher, student-teaching is your baptism of fire. Forget your first 'official' year: the true test is the winter of your senior year. If you can succeed in that, the first year is cake. You'll have your own room, your own resources, and you can pretty much lesson plan in any way that suits you best.

One of my biggest problems is that I put too much pressure on myself to succeed in everything. It's a prime motivator on one hand and a grueling headache on the other. I find myself setting unrealistic standards, thinking I have to win my students over right away and implement all the suggestions from my ED professor and my cooperating teacher immediately or I'm a dead duck. What seems like a drive to succeed, the will to win, can also mask a fear of failure. If you screw up once, it all crashes down.

What I am slowly working to learn is a simpler method. From where I'm standing, just staying afloat is a victory. Getting through one day relatively intact is reason to be thankful. Even if you had a crappy day in which it seemed not one of your charges listened to you, the copy machine zonked out, you forgot your lunch, or dropped your stack of student papers in a puddle, the fact that you survived makes you a success.

It's been a trying week (since last Wednesday when I took over), to put it mildly. I have had nights in which I get so overwhelmed with everything that I've cried myself to sleep. Contrary to popular belief, crying is not a sign of weakness. Like I said, switch places with me sometime. See if you don't shed any tears. But I'm still alive and coming back for more. For the first time, I'm beginning to glance ahead into the future and half-convince myself that I'll make it as a teacher. I'm slowly building a comfort level with my students and seeing a few lights come on in their eyes. I'm getting to the point where I feel more like a teacher and less like a practitioner. If that makes any sense.

I have amazing friends, my wonderful girlfriend Anna Kate, and my family supporting me every step of the way. I have God, through Whom all things are possible if I have faith even as small as a mustard seed. And I have six days under the belt. I can do another six days. Which makes twelve. Then I can do another twelve days. And so on...

Step by step, I can hopefully begin treading water as a teacher-apprentice. So long as I keep my head afloat.

First Day, New Unit

So today, my student teaching "officially" kicked off. Up until now, I've done a few class lessons in isolation, graded a few papers, worked with students individually. But now, and for the next few weeks, my mentor teacher's English classes are mine.

How did I do my first day?

.....Eh. Ask me that a month from now, and maybe I'll be able to give you a better answer.

In all seriousness, my first day went well. Certainly as good as could be expected. I had no major disasters, no sudden shortage of copies, no one threw up or rebelled outwardly. For the most part, I managed to keep both myself and my students on the topic at hand and accomplish everything I wanted inside our 50-minute time block.

I left at about 7:15 this morning, mostly out of nervous tension. I wanted so badly to get a solid 7-8 hours sleep last night, but I couldn't do it. My body would not shut down until sometime after 1 AM. Sigh. I decided to go ahead and videtape myself right off the bat during first period (I'll do so again at the end of winter block), so I lugged the camcorder and stand to MHS with me. It is amazing how much an early morning Bible study calms your nerves and reminds you that God's in control even if something goes tragically wrong. I got to my room, set up the camera, and made some more copies of the syllabus that I planned to hand out to all my students. Since I'm not their regular teacher, I feel they need a better idea of what to expect from me.

So...1st period. Incredibly, pre-class jitters weren't much of a factor. The initial transition from my mentor to me went as smoothly as could reasonably be anticipated. I started off by asking them how their four-day weekend went, and what all they did. Some of them even asked about mine, which was nice. Then I introduced the bellringer activity, which involved analyzing a Langston Hughes poem ("A Dream Deferred"). Had to spend a few minutes clarifying what "deferred" means. Might want to remember that word for vocabulary tests. As they answered the guiding questions, I passed out the syllabus and spent some time going over my expectations, contact info, evaluations, and a broad overview of the next few weeks. I tried to keep it very straight-forward and easy to understand; I guess I succeeded because all in all, there were very few questions (and I made sure to repeatedly ask for questions or any request to clarify a point). I pondered the decision to put my cell phone number on the syllabus. I do want to be accessible, but my mentor cautioned me that some students can abuse that to pull pranks. So I stressed that they use my e-mail address if they needed to get in touch with me; I mentioned that they'd be much more likely to get a response if they e-mailed. There were a few giggles here and there, but I think they understood.

After we went over the poem, I introduced the topic of dreams. I worked to relate it to the students by asking about their dreams; whether those of the nighttime variety or lifetime dreams (career goals). They were very enthusiastic about that part, and they gave me some great answers. With the time I had left, I tied that into the idea of the American Dream and left them with an assignment of writing their own personal definition of what the American Dream is. Since it's such a subjective issue, I had them reassured that there was no right or wrong definition. All I wanted was to get their insights and thoughts on the topic, with some attention paid to the sources of their comments. So hopefully that will generate a good response in their assignment.

I repeated this agenda for 3rd, 5th, and 7th periods because they're all English II Honors as well. The only tough one was 3rd period, which I more or less expected. I have observed some notable behavior problems in that class from a select number of students, and it has caused them to lag behind the others. Some have a tendency to talk out of turn, loudly, and a few exhibit a challenging attitude that is tough to let slide. You just have to resist the urge to take the bait because they're doing it to test you, and also because they like to be the center of attention. Usually, they'll give up when you don't surrender that high ground. 5th period was good, but rather quiet and subdued at first, nearly the exact opposite of 3rd. I had to work a little to get them to open up, but once we started discussing dreams, they began to warm to the topic. By 7th period, I felt more comfortable and seemed to relax a bit. I've known that class moreso than the others, and so I think we fed off each other's comfort levels. Both 5th and 7th periods had plenty of profound things to say about their dreams. Some were pretty deep, and others were...strange, to put it mildly.

6th period is English IV Honors (World Literature). While the class in general went well, I'm going to need to work a little harder to challenge them or at least keep them occupied. I feel like I've spent too much time on my other four classes and not enough on that since it's so far outnumbered, but hopefully I can change that. Our main topic in there is women's roles in literature, relative to their time periods. I'm having them read three short stories dealing with prominent female characters to build their knowledge (alongside some background research on the historical context of the works). For each story, they will complete a character trading card on female characters, which in turn will give them information they need to create an original script bringing all three women, plus a fourth "contemporary" woman, together in one setting. If all goes well, this should be a fun and rewarding assignment. If not,... well, let's not think about that now. I get nervous enough when the going is smooth.

I spent the end of my day helping a boy in 5th period with his rough draft from the Scarlet Letter unit. I ended up taking off for home around 4:15 because I wanted to make certain to put my directions for tomorrow up on the dry erase board. Don't like to be rushed in the morning. Old Man Winter is finally giving us a look; there's a chance for sleet & freezing rain late tonight through tomorrow afternoon. Nothing on the order of recent years' ice storms, but I certainly wouldn't mind the benefit of a day off :) Still, I'm now convinced that students enjoy them more than teachers. At least they don't have to be in their rooms to report for work by 8:00...

All in all, a positive start to what will hopefully turn out to be a positive unit. More updates to come! God bless :)

High Stakes Testing

I'd like to shake the hand of the person who invented that concept. And I'd see that my hand had an implanted joy buzzer. Shows you what I think of that bright idea, eh?

So yesterday, I woke up at 6:00 AM. Always a marvelous way to start off a Saturday. But this was no ordinary Saturday. Yesterday, I was to take the first two of three exams in the PRAXIS II series (I took PRAXIS I in summer of 2005). While the initial test was virtually a poor man's SAT, PRAXIS II is an entirely different beast. The exams on my plate evaluated my knowledge in English, the subject I plan to teach, in order to determine how fit I am to use it. So once again, high stakes, standardized testing gets to determine a portion of my future. When I ascend to the position of administrator, that'll be the first thing to go. Mark my words.

Anyway, I had a light breakfast and set out for Greenville Tech, my designated test center. Which is where the trouble began...

Apparantly, I should have scouted out the test site beforehand to get a better idea of where to drive to, because as it turned out, it didn't exactly stick out like the proverbial sore thumb. My first mistake was trying the University Center. The place was deserted (because who in their right mind wants to be up at 7:15 AM? Oh, right. Standardized test subjects like me) save for one college student standing outside. I roll down my window to ask for directions, which he's nice enough to offer me. That was mistake number two. Should have asked someone in charge. His directions ended up leading me in the opposite direction of the center, wasting 15 minutes in doing so. I knew I was in trouble when I hit North Pleasantburg Drive. Supposed to be South.

By this point, I'm close to freaking out. I'm 20 minutes past the deadline and about lost all hope of even finding this place, let alone sitting down to do the exams. So I did what any desperate person would do in a similar situation. I started praying. Hard. And God calmed me down enough to get turned around and finally spot University transfer building #104 at 8:00 AM, half an hour late. Mistake number three, by the way, was choosing Greenville Tech as a test site. About five other events were going on when I got there, including a race and a film screening that I had to drive past. It took me another few minutes to find the PRAXIS listing and get myself checked in.

As I entered the English testing room, I'm all set to begin planning what to do and how to make up the test. I was ready to ask the director questions about cancelling my date and scheduling a make-up one on the spot. But God wasn't finished with His miracles. I'd forgotten that standardized tests have a notorious habit of beginning late, and the only thing I'd missed were some opening instructions. And once you've heard one set of those, you've heard them all. Doesn't make them any less annoying. To my immense relief, I got to sit down, catch my breath and take my test after all. Okay, okay, maybe not total relief. But I figured, if God could help me conquer that early morning pandemonium, the PRAXIS II would be a breeze.

The tests themselves weren't too bad. I feel like the essays went more smoothly than the multiple choice, which was the exact opposite of my expectations. Funny the way things work out. Time really wasn't a factor; both cases, I finished up with several minutes to spare, enabling me to go back, fix some problems, and add detail here and there. By the end, you're just relieved that it's over. The rest of my Saturday was bliss because I spent it with Anna Kate and her folks. We watched Clemson basketball play against Maryland, where sadly, we dropped our first game of the year. Oh well. 17-1 at this point is still an amazing feat. Her Dad cooked dinner for us, and then we went to see The Pursuit of Happyness at the movies (by the way, that's not a mispelling. It really is "happyness" in the movie. You'd have to see why for yourself). Fun times, all :) So the latter half of Saturday lived up to its billing.

Baggage

Last night was not an easy one for me, to put it mildly.

I was just getting ready to go to bed. It had been a long and exhausting, but all in all, a productive day. I went to seminar in the morning, got started on my annotated bibliographies for class, made some more copies for two short stories I plan to use for a class, and finished one of my content methods books (Connie Weaver's Teaching Grammar in Context. A big help for you practicing English teachers out there). Watched snatches of the BCS championship game, then tuned it out when it became clear the BCS (and ESPN) had once again picked a paper champion to win it all and the Gators were going home with the crystal. Not too much interest beyond that.

Anyway, bedtime was looming. But as I knelt down to pray, my mind felt troubled. For some reason, the reality of my present circumstances suddenly caught up to me. I had not truly processed how quickly my life had begun to change with the onset of senior year, student teaching, and all that came with it. I had to take it in stride, keep on moving, and let it all roll off my back. But it hit me all at once last night as I prepared to talk to God. Suddenly I realized something: things were never going to be the same again! Like it or not, the world of adulthood is here, and I feel scared and unprepared to face it. Things are only going to get tougher from this point on, and when you let it, the prospect of life's mounting difficulties can overwhelm you.

So I decided to hash it out with God. I knelt down on the carpet and just let it go. Confessed all that was troubling me, things I was afraid of, worries about screwing up, letting down the people I loved, everything. And in the process, it was like a dam broke loose inside me. Holding back a tidal wave of emotions. So I let those out as well. My prayer wasn't that God would remove these trials or make life easier for me. It was a plea for faith. A cry for assurance. So much baggage had accumulated in my life, so much unprocessed stuff, and because I had not brought it to God, it lay inside me like waste. Not harming me directly, but just creeping there beneath the surface, waiting to bust loose. When you have that problem, it's a sign that you're not being as honest and forthright with God as you need to be. God wants your heart, and He doesn't accept half-hearted committment. That involves honesty. A willingness to be broken before Him. To let God touch you, and see yourself the way He sees you.

I don't mean to scare you or suggest that your prayer life is lacking if you don't have experiences like these. That's not for me to say. However, I can attest to the liberating feeling you get when you come clean before God. It makes you want to keep talking to Him. You don't want to stop; it feels so pure, so intimate because you've forgotten. When I finished hashing out my baggage, I didn't feel any less nervous or daunted for my future. But I did feel a renewed sense of the one thing in this life that never, ever changes: the love of Christ. I can't describe what it's like to be flooded by his merciful, unconditional love, the knowledge that Christ loves you for who you are, and that you are His child. It goes beyond liberating. It really does.

My challenge to you is to have more times like this in your prayer life. Let go of the barriers holding you back from that intimacy, that closeness with the Spirit of God. Don't pretend to be perfect or have all the answers or know exactly what to say in God's presence. See yourself the way God sees you. Remember Who He is, and what He has done for your sake, and just let go. Give everything over to him. Your fears, doubts, insecurities, blessings, praises, requests...everything that's on your mind. Keep your relationship with Jesus Christ a communal one (communion should be a daily practice not reserved for the Last Supper) because that's how you grow in the faith. Because we all need to lose some baggage in our lives. Don't worry. God can take it.

A Dark and Sleepless Night

I should try to write more blogs when I can't sleep at night. It sure beats laying around in bed, waiting in vain for the sleep fairy to arrive.

Pointless ramble...points:

- At least Clemson fans have the basketball team to be happy about over the winter. We are 16-0, 2-0 in ACC play, and at the end of the first major upset Saturday, we stand alone as the last remaining unbeaten Division I team. Not a bad start. But it is far too early to start dreaming of tourneys and Final Fours. Let's see if we can keep this breakneck pace up once we really get into the teeth of conference play.

- The Dallas Cowboys' season came to an end this evening. Tony Romo now must endure the undeserved indignation of "losing" the Cowboys' final game after he personally put them in position to make a playoff run in the first place. Guess this also puts forth another long chapter in the annual offseason Terrell Owens saga. I'll pass.

- Happy 15 months, Anna Kate! I love you!!

- The Weather Channel's extended forecast gives me the first glimmer of hope that a snow 'event' is coming in the near future. Mark down Monday, January 15 as our first shot, at least on a forecast model.

- Chandler sent me an email saying that she and Will were determined that I have fun the last few months of my senior year. Other than the delightful times that I've had with Anna Kate, I've largely forgotten what "fun" is. :) Again, best of luck finding me over the winter.

Trepidation

2007.

This year should be significant. For many reasons. January heralds the start of my student teaching. The PRAXIS II looms on the horizon this month and in March. I'll be submitting my resume to schools with openings in the spring. And of course, I'm down to my final two semesters before I graduate from Furman.

For such a big year, New Year's Eve & Day were quiet. Substitute-teaching for my Dad in Sunday School was the most strenuous thing I did on Sunday. Anna Kate and I were able to have some fun that night as we watched The Ring over a pizza dinner and shot some fireworks outside. The weather wasn't exactly cooperative, and neither were the lighters. And good grief, I'm tired of this 60-70 degree weather in winter. I can't read headlines in Denver without tearing up. Bring on Old Man Winter already!

For all the bustle and business I anticipated today being, it really wasn't too bad. I spent part of the day collecting some of the poems I plan on using for my unit in English II. The short stories and magazine article will be tougher; it appears that I'll need to resort to photocopies for them because Google can't find them anywhere. Loading the Christmas decorations back into the attic and closet was depressing as always, but at least it was easier with Mom's new tupperware boxes to store them in.

Wednesday through Friday, I'll be at Mauldin High. As to what I'll be doing, I have no earthly idea. Hopefully, this week (or what's left of it) will serve as a touch-base week, just to kind of reestablish my presence in the classes before I start to take over full time on the 17th. I've got an ED-50 seminar Thursday afternoon, and supposedly, a reflection due by 5 PM Saturday. Next week is the only week that I'll be at Furman exclusively this winter. My poor students take their exams. Hoo boy...

Next Saturday...it's PRAXIS II, part 1. Time to see how much I know about the field I plan to teach. Don't you just hate it when in the end, it falls to a standardized test score to determine if you're good enough to teach English?

After that, the real work begins.

I appreciate your prayers. This is a long, trying, and scary time for me. Only God knows how it's going to end up. But we'll soon see.

2006 Barb Awards

Technically, this is a day late. As I write this, we're officially 19 hours into the new year (in Eastern Standard Time anyway). So 2006 should already be considered old news. But hey, the Eye knows no such limitations. My blog, my rules, my horrendously inconsistent deadlines. Hmm...maybe I should make that into a New Year's resolution. Sure. Like that's going to last one week.

Anyway, you know the score. It's the third annual Barb Awards. Celebrated event that is meaningless to everyone save myself and whatever small audience reads this thing. A rundown of the various media entertainment that I liked the most this year, plus a couple extras and honorable mentions tossed in for good measure. I'm cutting down on explanations this year. The choices can speak for themselves, and it saves me time.

Okay, end of exposition. Let's get to it...

Song of the Year
5. "Let Go" by BarlowGirl from Another Journal Entry
4. "Dead Man (Carry Me)" by Jars of Clay from Good Monsters
3. "Stained Glass Masquerade" by Casting Crowns from Lifesong
2. "Mirror" by BarlowGirl from BarlowGirl
1. "Never Alone" [acoustic version] by BarlowGirl from Another Journal Entry


Album of the Year
5. Rocky Balboa: The Best of Rocky
4. Michael Buble: Totally Buble
3. Casting Crowns: Lifesong
2. Time Again...Amy Grant Live
1. BarlowGirl: Another Journal Entry


Music Artist of the Year
5. Josh Bates
4. Building 429
3. Audio Adrenaline
2. BarlowGirl
1. Casting Crowns


Movie of the Year
5. Godzilla: Final Wars
4. Superman Returns
3. Night at the Museum
2. Flight 93*
1. Rocky Balboa


* not to be confused with United 93

TV Show of the Year
5. Lost
4. Smallville
3. The Suite Life of Zack & Cody
2. Storm Stories
1. Gargoyles


Book/Novel of the Year
5. Beyond Discipline by Alfie Kohn
4. The Rising by Tim LaHaye & Jerry Jenkins
3. The Guru of Love by Samrat Upadhyay
2. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
1. The Rapture by Tim LaHaye & Jerry Jenkins


Sports Games of the Year
5. College football: Wake Forest 30, Florida State 0
4. College baseball: [ACC Championship] Clemson 8, NC State 4
3. College football: Clemson 31, Georgia Tech 7
2. College baseball: [Super Regionals] Clemson 11, Oral Roberts 8
1. College football: [Fiesta Bowl] Boise State 43, Oklahoma 42