Not Working
I really need to log more hours at Chick-Fil-A. My bank account has taken some sizable hits thanks to expenses like groceries, gas, and Katartidzo. The first two are ongoing, and I have a mission trip coming up that costs even more than the retreat. So I need to work more shifts if I'm going to cover them and still have a decent amount for my savings. One day a week just isn't cutting it anymore. I want to do two days at minimum, three days if I can.
I shouldn't be complaining, and I feel like a slug for bemoaning my financial situation when hundreds of thousands of people are starved and homeless down south. Compared to them, I don't have any problems at all. When will I learn to trust that God will provide in things that seem bleak or out of my control? Why do I always have to be so stubborn and think I need to be on top of everything right away? How is it my sinful nature traps me so often?
In many ways, that's one of my biggest flaws (among many). I'm a control freak. A relentless one. I like to get on top of things immediately, and I get frustrated when they change or don't go according to plan. Ask anybody you like; I'm a person who prefers stability and isn't good at expecting the unexpected. And often, it's the unexpected that happens. Other times, I'll push myself so hard that I'll end up doing too many things at once, trying too hard to be available and see things done. Very often, the consequence is me falling flat on my face, hurt and humbled.
I can recall an example even now, just recently, of my stumbling into that obstacle. I'll spare you the details, but it involved me and my role on the BCM Leadership Team. I let myself get ambitious and inadvertantly tried to do another team member's job. They informed me, with more tact and gentleness than I deserved, of my error, and it felt like a lead anchor hit bottom in my gut. They treated it like it was no big deal, but I felt terribly ashamed of what I'd done, even if I didn't realize at the time that it was wrong. I shut myself up in my room, and for an hour I cried out to God for forgiveness. I know both they and God have forgiven me, but I still feel disgusted about it.
Why am I a control freak? Why do I get so uptight about things that don't work out like I want them to?
Maybe part of it is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what will happen if I'm not prepared. Fear of vulnerability. But the more I think about it, the more I can feel the Holy Spirit shaking me. Isn't that exactly what my attitude is supposed to be? I'm supposed to be vulnerable; I certainly can't be invulnerable. It's not my place to assume that I can be ready for anything that comes my way. If I do that, then I eliminate God as the cornerstone of my life. What does it say about my ministry if I don't admit I'm weak and helpless, yet held fast by the unshakeable God of the universe? Just as importantly, where's the faith in that? Certainly not in the power of God to sustain and to provide for us at our weakest. My control is powerless in the face of God's will; no matter what, it will be done. And if His will is what I seek, then I first have to yank my own self out of the way and be willing to fall facedown.
How much easier is it to just let go? It's easier on the heart, that's for sure. But the bottom line is, we should have a measure of order in our lives. I'm not saying we can go out and abolish society and laws and live like animals. However, we have to be willing to admit that some things are just out of our control, and getting uptight or angry about it won't solve anything. In everything, we should say to the Lord, "Not my will, but Yours be done," just as Jesus did when he prayed that agonizing final prayer in the Garden of Gethsemene. If a change of plans makes us mad or surprises us, it's probably because we're out of tune with what the Holy Spirit wants us to do. I pray that God will work on this within me, that He would knock me flat on my face if that's what it takes for me to submit. God, take away the fear inside of me. Let nothing stand between me and Your Spirit. Help me to be vulnerable. Remind me of my weakness. Re-assure me of Your strength. And above all, reveal Yourself in my submission.
Song of the Day: Natalie Grant - "Held"
Verse of the Day: "The lowly he sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety. He thwarts the plans of the crafty, so that their hands achieve no success. He catches the wise in their craftiness, and the schemes of the wily are swept away." - Job 5:11-13
I shouldn't be complaining, and I feel like a slug for bemoaning my financial situation when hundreds of thousands of people are starved and homeless down south. Compared to them, I don't have any problems at all. When will I learn to trust that God will provide in things that seem bleak or out of my control? Why do I always have to be so stubborn and think I need to be on top of everything right away? How is it my sinful nature traps me so often?
In many ways, that's one of my biggest flaws (among many). I'm a control freak. A relentless one. I like to get on top of things immediately, and I get frustrated when they change or don't go according to plan. Ask anybody you like; I'm a person who prefers stability and isn't good at expecting the unexpected. And often, it's the unexpected that happens. Other times, I'll push myself so hard that I'll end up doing too many things at once, trying too hard to be available and see things done. Very often, the consequence is me falling flat on my face, hurt and humbled.
I can recall an example even now, just recently, of my stumbling into that obstacle. I'll spare you the details, but it involved me and my role on the BCM Leadership Team. I let myself get ambitious and inadvertantly tried to do another team member's job. They informed me, with more tact and gentleness than I deserved, of my error, and it felt like a lead anchor hit bottom in my gut. They treated it like it was no big deal, but I felt terribly ashamed of what I'd done, even if I didn't realize at the time that it was wrong. I shut myself up in my room, and for an hour I cried out to God for forgiveness. I know both they and God have forgiven me, but I still feel disgusted about it.
Why am I a control freak? Why do I get so uptight about things that don't work out like I want them to?
Maybe part of it is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of what will happen if I'm not prepared. Fear of vulnerability. But the more I think about it, the more I can feel the Holy Spirit shaking me. Isn't that exactly what my attitude is supposed to be? I'm supposed to be vulnerable; I certainly can't be invulnerable. It's not my place to assume that I can be ready for anything that comes my way. If I do that, then I eliminate God as the cornerstone of my life. What does it say about my ministry if I don't admit I'm weak and helpless, yet held fast by the unshakeable God of the universe? Just as importantly, where's the faith in that? Certainly not in the power of God to sustain and to provide for us at our weakest. My control is powerless in the face of God's will; no matter what, it will be done. And if His will is what I seek, then I first have to yank my own self out of the way and be willing to fall facedown.
How much easier is it to just let go? It's easier on the heart, that's for sure. But the bottom line is, we should have a measure of order in our lives. I'm not saying we can go out and abolish society and laws and live like animals. However, we have to be willing to admit that some things are just out of our control, and getting uptight or angry about it won't solve anything. In everything, we should say to the Lord, "Not my will, but Yours be done," just as Jesus did when he prayed that agonizing final prayer in the Garden of Gethsemene. If a change of plans makes us mad or surprises us, it's probably because we're out of tune with what the Holy Spirit wants us to do. I pray that God will work on this within me, that He would knock me flat on my face if that's what it takes for me to submit. God, take away the fear inside of me. Let nothing stand between me and Your Spirit. Help me to be vulnerable. Remind me of my weakness. Re-assure me of Your strength. And above all, reveal Yourself in my submission.
Song of the Day: Natalie Grant - "Held"
Verse of the Day: "The lowly he sets on high, and those who mourn are lifted to safety. He thwarts the plans of the crafty, so that their hands achieve no success. He catches the wise in their craftiness, and the schemes of the wily are swept away." - Job 5:11-13
posted by david @ 9:38 AM
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